Herman Le Roux
my world
i live in a world
that i cannot escape from
i live in a world of empty space
and crowded mind
i live in a world that i do not want
but that is me
i live in a place
that i must face
i live in a wold
that mix dark with light
i live in a world of want
and need
i live in a world
of love and hate
i live in a place
behind my face
HHLR
what?
what?
why are you looking at me like that?
have you never been down?
have you never been excited?
what?
what seems to be the problem you have with me?
have you never had debt?
have you never had a need for sex?
what?
have you never been angry?
have you never hurt?
have you never felt that you cannot cope?
what?
do you think I am mad?
what are people that rape children?
what are people that make war?
what?
do you think I need help?
have you never needed help?
have you ever been in my mind?
what?
why do you look at me like that?
why do you judge me?
why do you think I will hurt you?
why?
fuck off.
HHLR
Damage
Often people think that to be bipolar you deal with being “up” and being depressed. They think you take a pill and all is ok.
But there is so much more damage
You deal with the highest passion, just to crash into utter misery. Yes, you take medication but some make your gums bleed, others make you feel like a zombie.
But that is not the real damage.
Apart from dealing with mania, depression and medication there is this:
Maybe you are a cutter, you have scars that make you shy. Sometimes the scars are not so bad, sometimes they are deep and you need stitches.
Damage is caused to your body.
Maybe you are suicidal. People around you have this constant fear that you may do it. Maybe you have had some failed attempts, maybe some were very serious and you caused liver damage. Maybe you died.
Damage is caused to people, to your body and to your soul.
Maybe when manic you shop. You don’t care about how to pay it back, you just cannot stop. Later when the bills come you get depressed, your credit score gets damaged, you get more depressed and go shop again.
Damage is caused to your reputation.
Maybe you have a brilliant job or you excel in something. Just to fall in such a depression that you cannot work. At first they are patient, then you irritate them and eventually they ask you to please leave. You loose everything you worked so hard for. You get more depressed.
Damaged is caused to your life, to you.
Maybe you have a lover, a partner, husband or wife. At first they are supportive. Later on they get confused with your anger, you’re sleeping and your no interest in them. Eventually they cannot take it and leave you.
Damage is caused to your heart.
Maybe you believe in God. Maybe you Love Him and you hope for a better life. But as time goes by you don’t get well. You begin to question Him, your anger builds. Eventually you turn your back on Him
Damage is caused to your soul.
Maybe you have a brilliant mind. You grasp so many things. You can do a lot of things other people cannot. But your thoughts are also cloudy. They confuse you. You do not complete school. You do not complete that degree. You are embarrassed, you feel so lost.
Damage is caused to your mind.
We deal with mania that confuses us, with depression that hurts us, with medication that numbs us. We deal with fear, with pain, with anger. We deal with loneliness, with hate and with being lost. We deal with rejections with failure and with longing. We deal with ourselves every single moment of every single day.
We are not mad, we are not crazy. We are in pain and we need love and support. We have a lot of damage. But damage can be healed, it can be. There is one thing above all the medication, support, chat rooms, and doctors that help us with our damage.
It is LOVE
HHLR September 2010
Time (for someone in time)
Thousands of eons moving in time
Thousands of thoughts
The hours are lost in the days that are mine
The minutes forever in the years that are spent
In the time that I have that I love and I hate
In the time that life has given me my fate
Will I one day find someone of time
That will only be the one that is mine
Or will I go through this life of time
Alone without love from someone in time
This then is my time, my time of longing
For a heart and a mind that I can love
For always
In time
HHLR September 2010
The utterly being of me.
Utterly lonely and utterly sad
Utterly happy about the fun I had
Utterly passionate and utterly bored...
Utterly remembering the times I scored
Utterly stupid and utterly bright
Utterly passive and utterly in fight
Utterly hungry and utterly full
Utterly nerdish and utterly cool
Utterly lazy and utterly busy
Utterly awake and utterly dizzy
Utterly searching of a moment of rest
Utterly trying to be the best
Utterly loving and utterly scared
Utterly hoping for times that’s shared
Utterly up and utterly down
Utterly going from smile to frown
Utterly me is what I can be
That is just the utter of me.
HHLR July 2010
The bipolar grasshopper
Whopper dhopper swish the hopper
Eater of the blades of grass
Contemplating to squish himself against the ...
Fields reflecting in the window glass
Whopper dhopper thinks the hopper
Shall I join my migrating swarm
In their frantic flight of life
Or shall I face this dark dark storm
Whopper dhopper sits the hopper
In front of my chair
Staring at me staring at him
As a soft chill goes through my hair
Whopper dhopper me and the hopper
Both wondering if he also knows
That what makes us polar riders
While a gentle breeze blows.
HHLR July 2010
The Air Electric
The air electric
Can you feel it tonight?
the air electric on every atom’s
...
flight
pure bolts of energy and rush
like the strokes of Da Vinci’s brush
holding the secrets of life at play
in the fields of the Lord, flighting this
way
can you feel it tonight?
the air electric in your eyes
sight
strongly, boldly finding their way
to this man with these words to
say
may your play and air be filled with
electric flight
and may a kiss find its way to your
heart and lips
in sight.
HHLR April 2009
For Henrico
Fuse
Slow,
fire,
deliberate dance in the air-...
patient,
bright,
illuminating faces just there.
First,
tender,
touch of his finger tip-
softly,
purely,
with a gentle smile on his lip.
Strong,
passion,
energy and light-
fire,
dance
in a purest sight.
Shy,
hopeful,
searching a heart-
dreaming,
smiling,
of a life never apart.
Hands,
holding,
trembling so near-
knowing,
sensing,
the end of loneliness is near.
Arms,
embracing,
reaching inside-
caring,
keeping,
nothing to hide.
Bodies,
warming,
in passion and fire
lips,
resting,
on lips in desire.
Minds,
souls,
becoming as one-
thoughts,
emotions,
in fire and sun.
friend,
brother,
lover and muse-
loving
becoming,
being
Fuse.
HHLR April 2009
For Henrico
Bipolar bullets
CR2010
One is aimed at my heart
One is aimed at my soul
And one is aimed at my mind...
Bipolar bullets
They enter and they destroy
They hurt and they bleed
They took away my childhood toy
And they fill me like a
Demon seed
Bipolar bullets
But they have turned to drops of rain
Like a gentle forest that shelters from pain
Big drops of being me they are right now
From weapons of war
They changed to love
Somehow
Bipolar bullets
find
CR2010
me
in the sun and the moon
and love me there
...keep me safe in the dark and cold
and love me there.
I am yours to find.
for you
me
to find
Blue whale
Dinosaurs dwarf against that which is you
In your kingdom of eternal blue
Your mating calls in your songs you sing...
Echo forever where you are king
No one knows the dive of your deep
And the secrets that there you keep
May your waters be there forever
And may man find you my friend never….
HHLR March 2010
Gentle
Gentle
Is the stroke of your hand
Taking me to that land
Of make believe and play...
Where poets whisper and say
Beautiful
Is your smile
Always lingering for a while
And your eyes that light the sun
Your naughty grin from the fun
Always
Will your face be
That one place for me
Where I can go to rest
And lie my head on your breast
Tender
Just to say that I
Love your face, the arms in which I lie
And I will always keep your face
In my heart, in its place…….
How
Will I get to that?
Which I dream
By dreaming
It.
HHLR December 2009
Imagine (I stole the title from someone, the rest is my own)
Imagine a world where you don’t have to like me,
Where you don’t have to agree with me
But where you have to tolerate me....
Imagine a world where species don’t get extinct,
Where trees only give shade,
Where places exist where humans never go.
Imagine a world where colour is something you paint with,
And gender that which define whether or not you can give birth,
Where who you love does not label you
Where you love the person
Imagine a world where prisoners leave prison
With a better life, with a future
Where crime is something that there is no need for.
Imagine a life where the ill get treated in the same place
No matter how much you earn
No matter who you are
Imagine a world where peace is not the goal,
But where it is maintained
Where kids remain kids
And innocence is never lost
Imagine a world where beauty is not defined
By magazines
Where age is how many years you have lived
Imagine a world where the lonely have more than a keyboard
As a friend
Imagine
Just for a moment.
HHLR February 2010
posibility
I started dancing when I was seven
I played the violen aged eleven
I met the man of my dreams when I was twenty...
I took up sailing when I turned seventy
I was diagnosed bipolar age eighteen
age sixty I visited placed I have never been
I lost everything when I was fifty five
at ninenty I saw lady Gaga Live
at thirty seven I wrote my first book
all the years that some things took
and now again the possibilty of age
will bring you to another stage
of life and love and all it has
to learn to garden and to learn about jazz
or maybe you will find love as an old boy
or discover in your twenties your favourite toy
from the day you are born to the day of your life's end
let each moment to possibility lend
every minute of your heart and soul
your dream for love or the super bowl
let every single minute say
we are the actions of your day
that made your life not defined by age
but simply yet another stage
to the moment that you lay to rest
and gave to life all the best
from passion to life to love to be
that is my wish to you from me.
HHLR January 2010
37
CR2010
“ Do you know who owned that?” Alexander felt the blood drain from his legs. He just wanted to have a look at the baton, and now, this great man was looking at him holding it.
“I am sorry I just wanted to have a look at it”
“ Only four people ever held that baton, the gentleman that made it, Herbert von Karajan, me, and now you”
“I am so sorry”
Alexander put the baton down and started walking to the door.
“I am sorry, I just wanted to have a look at it”
“ Are you a music student? Did you see the show?”
Alexander looked at the conductor and said
“No, I started here a few weeks ago, I was hired as a cleaner. I have not seen the show, but I have heard it many times”
Alexander would remember this, years later, after they adopted Shaun, when he would often tell Shaun that only five people ever touched the baton, always adding with a smile “and you young man is the newest member to this exclusive group” Shaun then always said “ and this is the stick that made daddy fall in love with daddy!”
Michael walked to the baton and picked it up, he heard Alexander open the door and he turned around, looking at him. Alexander made a shy, sheepish attempt of a smile and Michael, holding the baton said “I have never heard anyone say they have heard my music but not seen it” …..
The Hours are the Worst
CR2010
The hours are the worst, waiting for that moment that you know you can get out of bed again and that the simplest task is just that, a task. But first you have to get through the hours. Then suddenly the minutes are precious and you understand it all and it all makes sense and you know you will be happy. Then, again, the hours start with their singular purpose, total and utter wait. If only our minutes of joy could become the hours we want.
